


Beep beep? Vroom vroom.

by Alopex



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Humor, M/M, PWP, Touching, mmm mmm yeah yeah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-22
Updated: 2014-08-22
Packaged: 2018-02-14 07:42:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2183520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alopex/pseuds/Alopex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dipper is rather clueless when it comes to certain things, so Bill decides to rely on some euphemisms to educate him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beep beep? Vroom vroom.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to thescarredlegend for the idea. Just a little silliness heheh. We need more humor in this tag. Au where:  
> -Dipper and Bill are young adults  
> -They've been in a relationship for a few months, and Bill often hangs around Dipper's apartment  
> -Bill has feelings and isn't cold hearted  
> -Dipper is the biggest virgin ahahah
> 
> The background for this is that one day, instead of using the base system to explain things, they used a car as a euphemism. This fic is based off of that explanation.

It was strange how one could go from screeching ancient, foreboding prophesies of darkness to curling up next to each other on the couch for another rerun of some 90's sitcom.

It's all a matter of years, really.

Yet of all the people, Bill was the one who held the most surprise. He always liked to view himself as all-knowing, though he knew deep down that that wasn't the case. If he really was omniscient, he'd know this is where he would end up, but even he couldn't foresee this turn of events. Granted, it's not like he minded, he thought as he leaned in a little closer to the brunet boy next to him. Even demons crave a little warmth sometimes.

Of course, warmth is warmth and cuddles are cuddles, but it's only the natural order of things that hands start to wander after a while. As such, even patient Bill gets tired of waiting. He ghosted his fingers up Dipper's thigh, knowing this would send a chill down the man's spine.

The sitcom was quickly ignored as the pulled toward each other, lips tracing jaw lines and hands splayed across each others backs.

"I..." Dipper murmured as he pulled away suddenly. "I think I'm ready for the next step today."

_Finally_ , Bill thought to himself. _Took the kid long enough_. Of all the curveballs Dipper threw at him, this particular one always baffled the demon. He was certain the man wouldn't hesitate to practically throw himself at him, but in reality Dipper was very reserved when it came to their relationship, in both aspects of the word. It almost seemed as though the guy thought he was dealing with something made of glass. Yet while that occasionally bothered Bill, he let him progress at his own pace. He's waited longer periods for bigger things; he could let the poor kid come to terms with his feelings.

"Are you sure, Pine Tree?" Bill suspired, still intent on using the old nickname for him.

"Yeah. Yeah, I am," he repeated, a little more confidently.

Bill arched an eyebrow, "Do you even know what the next step is?"

"Uh," Dipper's voice faltered, his face flushing slightly. "N-not really..."

It took all of Bill's self restraint no to erupt into laughter. "You really don't?"

"Well, I know what it is, but I'm not really-"

"Hey, relax," Bill cut him off. "It's ok if you don't know."

"Are you sure? I mean I could go g-"

"Please don't try to Google it," Bill laughed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "You forget, I have an encyclopedic knowledge."

"Right," Dipper muttered, face reddening even more each minute.

"Here, I'll spare you the shit they teach you in school. Think of it like... Like... Like driving a car! You know how to drive fairly well. At least, better than your Grunkle.

"Where are you going with this?"

"Right, let's not think about your Grunkle right now. Anyways, once you've approached your car, you have to unlock it."

"What."

"You know, _unlock_?"

"I'm still lost..."

"Come on, Mr. I-got-760-on-the-reading-section-on-the-SAT, you can get a metaphor, can you? Ugh, like this," Bill groaned, exasperated, and reached over to tug Dipper's shirt off.

"What does that have to do with unlocking a car?"

"Just roll with it, Pine Tree. Anyways, after that, ya gotta get in the car. You know?"

"Like, are you going to sit on me? Is that a fetish?"

Bill slapped a hand to his face. "No, stupid. Before you drive, you get in, you get comfortable. You adjust the seat and fix the windows and make sure everything is in order." Before Dipper could respond, he gently grabbed him around the waist, pulling him in close. He brushed over the familiar bumps and curves of his back and chest, lightly touching his lips to his cheek, neck, earlobes. Getting the drift, Dipper responded in kind.

"You getting it?"

"I think so."

"Are you still ok with this?"

"Yeah."

"All right. Once you're comfy, you put your hands on the steering wheel," Bill hummed as he palmed Dipper through his pants.

"Wouldn't you have to put the key in the ignition first?" Dipper breathed, his chest heaving as he could feel his heart rate speed up and his blood flush south.

"No. This is a special car. Shut up and drive."

"But you haven't started the engine yet," Dipper pointed out.

"Are you going to pick at every flaw in my metaphor?"

"Yes."

"Then you aren't even gonna get to unlock the car."

"Fiiine. What's next?"

"Next, you've got to grab the stick shift," Bill said, slipping his hands into Dipper's pants.

"Whoa," Dipper managed.

"You like that?"

Dipper mumbled incoherently.

"And then you gotta shift into drive."

"D-damn," Dipper mumbled, his hands gripping at the couch. Bill chuckled, watching him squirm always humored him.

He withdrew his hand, eliciting an upset noise from Dipper.

"I think I'm going to have to explain it before I show it."

"But it was going fine," Dipper argued.

"No, lecture first, lab later. You gotta take the driver's test before you get behind the wheel."

"Nope, you killed it. I'm done," Dipper groaned, flopping back on the couch. "What is it with you and these metaphors? Can't you just explain it using normal words?"

"Not the way you're headed. I'm only doing this for your own good."

"Fine, but keep it short."

"All right, so after you've got your car set up, you gotta put on the seatbelt. Protection is important."

"Oh my god."

"And once you got that, then you can finally put the key in the ignition."

"Is that it?"

"No, there's the fun part. After that, slam the gas pedal."

"But what if it's a neighborhood road with a twenty-five mile speed limit?"

"There's no speed limit where we're headed."

"Oh god."

"That's right," Bill drawled, crawling over to straddle Dipper. "Does that make sense?"

"Not at all. You'd have broken the car if you did that."

Bill laughed, "Whatever. Anyways, I think you'll do just fine on the test."

"Wait, I thought you were going to explain it first."

"No, Pine Tree. I changed my mind. You were right, you're hopeless if I don't show you. Lecture's over, it's time for the lab."

Dipper smiled crookedly, nervous but shyly excited, "So then, beep beep?"

"Oh, no, Dipper. _Vroom vroom_."


End file.
